The Past Does Not Predict Your Future

Look ahead to the good stuff

Photo by Gabriel Miklós on Unsplash

Someone is telling a story about a trip to the dentist’s: the annoying traffic, the inconvenience, the hassle. Nothing about the dental appointment itself, which is the whole reason for the trip.

And I’m thinking: This person is fixated on negative feelings associated with an event that’s passed, which she cannot change and is not required to relive. But here she is, reliving it, anyway. She’s lucky to have dental insurance, to afford regular care, to maintain oral health. But none of those good outcomes make it into the story, which is all about the stuff that felt terrible, or at least, irritating.

So now I’m thinking: First, we spend too much time reliving past events from many chapters of our lives. And second, I suspect we dwell on the things that made us most unhappy, uncomfortable, or miserable, rather than the brilliant moments.

Pop quiz: How often do your thoughts drift back to an extraordinary and wonderful episode in your life (wedding, birth of a child, award, publication, etc.)…

Versus…

How often do you dwell on the stuff you’d actually prefer to forget?

Maybe I’m an outlier—and please tell me if I am—but I spend way more time fixated on the stuff that’s not fun and which I don’t need to think about because it’s over and done.

This will come as no surprise:

“Research shows that humans often remember negative or traumatic experiences over positive ones. This persistent recall of negative memories might be an evolutionary defense mechanism, but it can also lead to psychological impediments, like depression or anxiety.”

Now, hitting traffic on the way to the dentist does not rise to the level of a traumatic event. But it goes to show how commonplace this line of thinking is. We don’t only remember and relive genuine trauma, but also countless unpleasant moments that should be forgettable and yet which cleave to our memories like denture adhesive.

As writers and creatives, what does this habit mean?

It means:

• We often fixate on everything we think we’ve done wrong, or been stupid about, in relation to our writing or our writing practice, like: Why did I submit that query to an agent before I was ready?

• We replay every rejection in our gut, as if we’re getting the news for the first time.

• We remember all the redlining that an editor returned on a manuscript, confirming our suspicions that we’re terrible writers.

• We’re reminded of the barely concealed skepticism (or worse) our friends and family members send our way (You? A writer? Who are you kidding?) every time we see them.

Here’s where I tell you something we already know yet seem almost incapable of following through on:

We cannot undo anything that’s occurred in the past. Period. But we can change how we respond to events yet to occur.

If we truly took this observation to heart, we wouldn’t dwell on the stupid, inconsequential, or non-life-defining sh*t that’s already in the rearview mirror. We would, instead, be preoccupied with planning for how we manage what lies ahead.

But here we are, still clenching teeth over the cherished literary magazine that rejected us three months ago. Whereas, we could be digging into a revision of that story or working on something entirely new that fills us with joy and excitement.

I’ve been wrestling with this dynamic for a good long while. I’m chipping away at it. Which means, I’m spending a bit less time dwelling on the negative stuff that happened (hey, you had your day!) and more time making plans for the future.

When a conference rejects my workshop proposal, or my novel or story is rejected by an agent or publisher (this happens all the time!), I process it, and then I say:

Well, that happened.

And then I remind myself it’s not a life- or career-defining event. There’s loads more to do and try and sample and figure out, and get better at doing it as I go.

There’s loads more chances to make a happy memory that I can look back on, instead of pressing ‘play’ on yet another of the oldies-but-baddies on my mental jukebox.

Nearly everything that matters about writing, about creating, boils down to attitude.

You can play the victim, the beleaguered loser, the always-a-bridesmaid-never-a-bride…Or you can remind yourself you’re a creative person operating on a deeply subjective playing field.

Seems I’ve ended up talking about how we handle rejection, when I started out talking about how we manage memories that rile up bad feelings.

But maybe it’s all one and the same.

We have little or no control over what happens to us. Learning to control how we respond isn’t easy. We’ll always have days when we’re reliving a stupid traffic jam that drove us nuts, while forgetting that we sat in that traffic on the way to a dinner thrown in our honor! (No, this didn’t happen to me…yet…)

I’m trying to get better at accentuating the positive, but it isn’t easy. I’m trying, in the meanwhile, to find some more upbeat tunes for that old jukebox of mine.

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One for you, one for a friend:

Wrangling the Doubt Monster: Fighting Fears, Finding Inspiration

“Oh my goodness I just adored this book. It is so well written and the illustrations are adorable. I totally recommend this book for anyone who has problems with procrastinating and doubt.”

—A reviewer on Book Sirens

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